LorrainesInferno

I am sick as a dog but being the dedicated soul, made it to my desk to push papers. It’s important to continuously push the papers or drool puddles form on the stationary piles where you’ve laid your head – moaning and praying for a quick death. This is a clear indication to management you are not working. Productivity is no longer important because asking what you are doing at said desk with your head down, requires them to get within the infection zone. No amount of non-productivity will cause someone to enter the infection zone in flu season voluntarily. This is the reason workers can sit a desk, deceased for several days before drawing any attention. Hey who is that skeletal figure in the next cube you ask? Why that’s Lorraine, that slacker isn’t keeping up with her email or paper work piles. I think someone needs to have a talk with her. Oh no, it’s flu season we’ll wait a few weeks and see if thing pick up. In the mean time decomposition has set in and even the cleaning people won’t come any closer. Heck they don’t clean the bathrooms so body disposal would require overtime and IronMountain doesn’t do overtime.

I have this fear of a Stephen King “The Stand” type scenario. Swine flu has become the new epidemic here to wipe out half the planet in an effort by Mother Nature to adjust population numbers. Collegeville will be the dark force that battles against Royersford, aka the good guys in a winner take all battle for IronMountain domination. Of course then the consultants will step in and screw it all up and we all die. The end.

We are also taking a number of actions to help prevent the spread of the flu in our corporate offices:

 

§      Facilities are increasing their cleaning and sanitizing efforts.

§      Efforts are underway to ensure soap dispensers will all be in working order and that additional wastebaskets are placed close to the bathroom door.

§      Additional Hand Sanitizer dispensers will be strategically located throughout high traffic areas.  

§      Signing programs with helpful tips will be displayed on bulletin boards, in bathrooms and in common areas.

§      Disinfectant wipes will be located near water filtration machines with signs reminding people to manage the spread of germs when filling their water bottles.

§      Flu Preparedness Kits will be distributed to every employee in the coming weeks.

Flu preparedness Kit will consist of the following items:

 

A filled out pink slip in the event you call out sick too often

Disposable gloves because the special project you will be assigned to next includes disinfecting rest rooms

Cough Drops with the Iron Curtain logo and the phrase “suck it up pussy” on the label

Tissues because tears won’t help so don’t waste my time

Bullet proof vest so when someone goes postal, you have no excuse not to resume working on the Actions Per Hour rate.

Surgical masks for when the stench of your decaying coworker gets too intense